Below the Surface
by MakoRain
Summary: Tifa has made so much progress...but will she slip again? Third in Tifa depressed series.


"**Below the Surface"**

**By MakoRain**

_Closer to Now_

The itching was unbearable just below the surface but Tifa held her hands stiffly at her sides, not giving in to the urge to scratch. She'd been clean of all of it, the pills, alcohol and cutting for the last three months straight since Cloud had held her together after her last fall. She felt the time more than ever now as her veins burned to be slit and at let their blood well up on her skin-the mental image was so strong she had to clench her hands tighter, the bite of her nails giving her an eerily calming effect.

_Damn it, I'm not supposed to enjoy that._ The crescents ran deep into the palms of her flesh, the smallest surrounded with a line of blood. She wanted to lick it; in that instant, she wanted to taste her life, to know it was here and that she was here too.

_But all of that work_…her hand went to her lips.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Earlier than now_

Tifa was fine. Whenever asked, that was her answer. _I'm fine, really. Don't worry about me._ Even if she wasn't back to normal, she believed she was fine. Working behind the bar, cleaning Seventh Heaven, helping Cloud with shipments again, it all made her feel normal again.

_Normal_-the word tasted bitter on her tongue and rang mocking to her mind. She tried to be normal, to fit into that place she had once had, but it all felt a lie. Every time she said she was fine she wanted to cry, to reveal her pain at the fake life she was leading. _Fine?_ She'd never be fine again this way but it was all she had left.

_Watching being Watched_

Cloud was concerned but kept it inside, tiptoeing around her like all of the others these days. She felt like a prisoner in her own house with all of those eyes, however well meaning, on her. Hadn't she gained their trust yet? Didn't they believe her? _Guess it can be hard to make others believe what you yourself do not_…lies making the web of her life just like when all of this began. But she was past that! She needed help, but would she find it? Could she? Not anytime soon…

_Reasons for being Watched (prelude to earlier than now)_

_Admitting you have a problem is the first step, isn't that how it always goes?_ The days were longer than she would like but Cloud left her alone, always coming back after bar closing. She was in one of those states where she would look out of her bedroom window for hours, watching the people outside live their lives like she should be doing. She was ready; she just had to make Cloud see that.

Tifa didn't hear him come in until he was standing behind her, one hand on her shoulder. The touch felt nice but she didn't want nice, she wanted freedom. It was irrational, she knew, but she was suddenly angry at him: for locking her up like this, for treating her like a child, for leaving her alone during the day to think thoughts she didn't want to be left alone to think about.

There had been other times this bubbled up in the back of her mind and usually she let it be, not wanting to test what it would be like if Cloud really left for good. Sure, he said he would never leave her when her mind made her think she had lost him, but those times were so unclear. She never did understand what was real or fantasy in those days but didn't dare to focus on it either, not wanting the truth with the possibility that she couldn't handle it.

Was her entire life a fraud? Just something her mind made her believe for these last excruciating months? What about before…did she dream all of that as well? Tifa shook her head of these thoughts, trying to clear her mind. This is why she should never be left alone…but Cloud didn't understand that, he didn't know what it was like in her head and she never wanted him to. Her mind was a scary place to be, now more than ever.

His hands still on her shoulders snapped her out of her reverie and brought back the resentment, the anger, the hurt of these last months and it all focused on _him_. There was no thinking of repercussions, his reactions, nothing emotional except for the heat of her anger rising to the surface.

"Do you plan on keeping me here forever?" Her voice was low and she felt his hand slip a bit.

"No. Why would you think that?" His voice was quiet with contemplation and not checked emotions like hers.

"I want to leave this room, Cloud." It was a fact, and it came out as such with the way his quite voice seemed to calm her a bit, to let logic through. His silence did not help and so she went barreling on, logic lost.

"I'm not her, you know."

He moved away. That had hit a nerve. "What?"

"I'm not Aerith. I don't need to be protected from the big bag world out there, Cloud."

It was harsh, but it had to be said and Tifa felt the tension float between them but never turned around to see his face.

"I know that." His voice was quieter than ever and she had to strain to hear it.

"I don't think you do. Why else would I be stuck in here?" She had to turn around to motion at the little room that contained her life, or what was left of it. The anger was soon back and she couldn't stop it.

"I would never want to be her, anyway. That weak, that naïve, that stupid. If she had known how to fight, she'd be alive today. It's her fault. It's all her fault."

Her words were directed at him and his face took on a look of disbelief. _Surely nice sweet Tifa hadn't just said that, had she? Well, tough break Cloud, but yes, she did._ The bitter woman who had been held back for so long broke through to meet him.

"You don't mean that."

She bit back a laugh. Of course she did, but she didn't want to traumatize him for life. No, she'd let him keep his little bubble, but still get her meaning across before she went insane…or more so, that is. The mask slid back on, hiding the torment she wanted to give him back to the numb nothingness that let her speak calmly, rationally, detached.

"I do and now you know. Later though, it'll change and I'll be sorry."

The calm was slipping. Her control was dissolving. She could feel it all about to fall apart as the look in his wounded cerulean gaze bore into her own eyes that showed nothing, just a hollow shell that reflected his image back at him.

Before he could say anything, she ran into the bathroom. Fully clothed, she walked into the shower, turned it on, and sat down on the tiled floor, the tears already filling her eyes. How had she been broken down to this? Nothing but an empty shell that was so full of emotions one minute, numb the next…it was so tiring.

Tifa didn't know how long she had been crying before he had come in. She ignored him, not wanting to see the disgust and revulsion, but worst of all the pain at what she had become. Cloud sat there next to her, their shoulders touching, water soaking through his clothes and Tifa couldn't understand why. _Why was he still here?_

They sat like that with nothing but the sound of the water falling all around them. Neither looked at each other, or said a thing, but it was understood. Cloud would never leave Tifa, no matter what happened.

_NOW_

That's what had made her stop. Tifa moved her hand under the water, washing away the blood that was welling up again from that little crescent in her palm. It had been hard, really hard to get to where she was today. All the fears and doubts were still there but they no longer ruled her life.

What had broken through that day did not return, but she could feel it sometimes in the buzz in the back of her mind. The goal was to never let it out again, not if it meant ruining everything she had worked so hard for and hurting the only person who had ever been there for her, the man she would always love even if she didn't show it in those emotional crisis times. Her break downs were less frequent to the point of nonexistent but she didn't dare hope for that. For now, she would not focus on it…

It would forever be below the surface.

_The End_


End file.
